Can’t be a homophobe
Spiccoli: Can you do me a favor?
Me: I’m not taking my pants off.
Spiccoli: Haha no not now. We’re in public.
Me: Oh right, in private I’ll do whatever you want… well, almost., if ya know what I mean.
Spiccoli: Haha no, you know how you walk into my cube with your junk all in my face?(I pull my shoulders back and push my hips out) Next time Turtle is in can you do that to him for me?
Me: Yea sure, I guess. Like right up in his face? He turns around and my shit is like WHAM!
Spiccoli: Nah nah not like all blatant, just kinda subtle.
Me: You know I got that from Lawrence don’t you?
(Lawrence is bit of an individual. He wears his jeans mad high, his waistband is at his belly button but in the back it rides even higher. Sometimes we call him high ass. When he sits his lump doesn’t quite qualify as a package hump. It’s more of a M.U.P.A.(Manly upper pussy area), anyway, when I would use the computer he would stand with his crotch deathly close to the hand that was on the mouse and it would be creepy, and kind of funny actually because he didn’t even realize he was doing it. We think he has Frotteurism)
Lawrence(Hearing his name walks over, he’s eating a thing of chocolate pudding that he steals from his step kids school lunch every morning.) What you gotta do is stick something like this long in your pants, give it some substance.
Me: Haha should I “accidentally” leave my zipper open?
Carl: Ya know Ernest used to show me his dick all the time?
All of us: What?!
Carl: Yea when I was in “another department” they would pin me down in the locker room.
Lawrence: What? They would pin you down?
Carl: No like I would get cornered or whatever when we were changing and he would pull his pants down and show me his dick (Carl stands up, spreads his legs, and starts swinging his hips back and forth making weird noises in imitation)
Me: OMG! I’m done with this conversation.
Lawrence: (At Carl) You’re gay.
Carl: I Didn’t like it!
Pounded in the cabin
Referring to our clerks vacation.
Lawrence: Hey check the weather for where Tina is.
We are checking the weather and the radar looks like terrible rain near her vacation home.
Lawrence: Oh man, Tina is probably getting pounded in her cabin right now.
Me: Well’s she’s on vacation so for her sake I hope she is.
Lawrence: Oh haha that’s not what I meant.
Warning people that the boss is coming.
We were workin down in this tight area on a couple “Machines”, same job as the last post. I was their tool guy and I stand outside their work area incase they need something. I noticed one of our bosses was coming so I decided to tell the crew in case they were doing something they weren’t supposed to.
Me: HEY, HANK IS COMING!!!!
The whole crew turns toward him.
Everybody: HEY HANK!!
Hank: (Looks at me) You asshole!
Definitely not the recommended way to do it but it works.
Why are we team 2?
There was 6 of us working on this job and we were all right next to each other so there was the normal background agreeing and conversation involved. Martin was in charge of the job, Charles and Jordan were a crew and 5-head and Carl were the another crew. I was their tool runner.
Martin: Alright team 1 you can start moving. Team 2 you ready?
Charles: Why are we team 2? What? Are they better than us?
Martin: No, it’s because you’re on machine 2.
Charles: But I wanna be team 1.
Jordan: Yea what the hell?
Martin: I’m not gonna have team 1 on machine 2 that’s just confusing.
Jordan: Well just think of the better team and that’ll be us… team 1.
Charles: (looking over at the other “team”) You’re not better than us. You’re team 2.
Martin: ALRIGHT ENOUGH! You guys are still team 1 and you assholes are team 2. Can we please start this?
Jordan: (Points at “team 1”) This isn’t over.
Where’s your hard hat?
Jordan just came out of an area of the plant that was hot, dark, nasty, and was pretty exhausted. This conversation took place as he was taking off his protective clothing.
Tom(high ranking management): WHERE’S YOUR HARD HAT?
Jordan: I left it at your fucking moms house this morning before I came to work!
Now Jordan, like myself, is on the lowest level of the company. We get told what to do. It was great because everybody was around and Tom didn’t say shit after that.
Bite your tongue
Cranky eats weird shit all the time, an example is spotted dick. Never heard of it? Give it a search. So one day he’s eating sardines and one of our bosses, who is a woman, walks by and says “I don’t know how anybody can eat something that smells that bad” instantly the shop went silent. Being a shop full of vulgar men, the silence signified numerous tongues being bitten.
Charles: Here man try these tell me what you think. (bag of Reese’s peanut butter minis)
Me: Must not be good. You don’t just give away Reese’s.
Charles: You can’t mess with the chocolate to peanut butter ratio. The cookies and cream ones suck, the big cup is terrible. You just can’t mess with the original, the ratio is perfect. You ever eat a knock off Reese’s? They are terrible.
A guy I work with used to work on airplanes before he came to our plant. He even enjoyed his previous profession. Well on his desk was this toy that is son had bought him during one of those things at school where the kids can buy presents for their family (I have no clue what these functions are called). It was a toy plane that you could take apart and it was a bunch of different things. If you took the wings off it was a ruler, the tail was a paper clip, the body of the plane was a pen and so on. One night while myself and a co-worker were bored decided it would be a great idea to play a prank on him with this said toy. First it was just funny banter between us playing out funny scenarios and how they would pan out. We then decided we needed to actually play this prank on him.
We started looking for this same toy online, the only problem is that it didn’t say the manufacturers name on it. No indication of where it was made nor whom it was made by. It took us about an hour but we found it, an exact replica. It was being sold on a website that was written in another language, we think Philippine but we can’t be sure. Clumsily we made our way through the buying process and it came out to something like 65 ruples or some weird currency, turned out to be like 7 dollars. It took a month but it made it to one of our houses, it then took months for any of us to work up the hutzpah to do this to this guy because we knew he would be PISSED. We even actually forgot about it until one night when, to your surprise, we were bored again and we were thinking of stuff to do.
We broke the shit out of the replica plane, absolutely obliterated it. We left before he came in because thats how our schedule was but it would’ve been worse had we been around. I don’t think we could’ve held in the laughter as this guy freaked out. We left mallets and hammers out on his desk with all the pieces scattered about.
He came in and upon seeing the devastation on his desk basically broke down. The story goes a little like this:
He walks in and see chaos on his desk, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! WH-WH-WHAT THE FUCK? WHO FUCKING HATES ME THIS MUCH? THEY EVEN LEFT THE HAMMERS HERE!!”
He grabbed his coffee and came back to his desk and started to freak out even more. “I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER!! MY FUCKING KID GAVE THIS TO ME!” And the rants and curses go on and on for like 10 minutes. We didn’t tell anybody that this was the day we were doing it, there were a small handful of people on this shift that new about the joke so we weren’t worried about getting in trouble or anything because as soon as they saw this they would know what to do. He goes and tells our boss what has transpired on his desk. When he came back the guy who was sitting next to him secretly takes out the original plane, pulls it back (it was one of those rubberband propelled things when you pulled it back it would then propel itself forward) and let it go and it rolled onto his desk. His response was this:
“(Calmly) Oh you guys got me good. I hope you had a hidden camera for that shit cuz that was fucking good.” All in all it was hilarious for those involved and a very successful prank. The thing is, we don’t do practical jokes too often because we all fear each others creativity and ingenuity. I mean to get this guy we had to travel the interwebs to a website in a totally different language and pay for something in a totally different currency by filling out forms we thought were correct because we couldn’t actually understand the language it was written in. All for like 15 minutes of an effective joke.
Uncomfortable about being comfortable
This is the small conversation that lead to one of my theories.
I was being all gay up on an older guy at work.
Mayor: C’mon man… you’re making me uncomfortable.
Me: Is it because this makes you feel comfortable and you didn’t expect it?
Mayor: What are you talking about?
Me: You are uncomfortable about being comfortable.
So what my theory suggests is that if you find yourself in a situation that you are comfortable in but you realize you should be uncomfortable you are then immediately uncomfortable. Now knowing that you are uncomfortable with being comfortable you realize this should be normal and now become comfortable. But you shouldn’t be comfortable about being uncomfortable about being comfortable and now in turn you have just made yourself uncomfortable. It is a never ending cycle of comfortability.
Having sex with wife
Carl: While my kid was in the shower my wife decided to seize the opportunity and fuck me. But I was wasted… (You can see it on his face as he realizes what could have happened) oh god I hope he didn’t hear us.
Me: What if he did?
Carl: Oh man I hope not.
Me: Haha what if he walked in… How awkward would that be?
Carl: That would be awkward as hell.
Me: What if he was like “Can I jump in?”
Carl: What the fuck man? Thats nasty!
Me: WOULD YOU LET HIM!?!?
Carl: You’re fucking disgusting.
Me:(As Carl is walking away from me) You would wouldn’t you!? I mean c’mon, the kids gotta learn sometime, who better than his dad and step mom?